I have no in-between… I am either happy, hyper, & overly excited. Or I am down, depressed, & suicidal. There is no middle ground!
This is how I have described myself for most of my life… When I was first diagnosed the psychiatrist explained what Bipolar Disorder was through the term Chemical Imbalance. Simply… My brain does not produce enough or either too much endorphins which causes unbalanced moods, energy, thoughts, & more…
I like to picture the beautiful & brave Lady Justice! Her blindfold representing not being able to see the invisible illness burning inside of her! Her sword representing fear of not knowing what is happening in & around her! She sees it as protection but, it will only cause pain & sadness. & lastly her scales represent how she blindly tries to balance out the good & the bad.
I am not a danger to society & never have I ever been!
The media & press strongly influences exaggerated lies of people living with Mental Health Disorders. They show us as monsters. They described us as crazy & uncontrollable.
We are not what the press & media lead you to believe. We are sensitive, negligent, & discreet. You don’t have to fear us. If we are a danger to anyone it’s ourselves. The little voice inside our head is a constant reminder of how we will never be good enough, how we will only fail, & be a burden to everyone! Feeling like a worthless failure can make anyone succumb to hate & depression.
I am pessimistic! My glass is always 1/2 empty!
Trust me it is no fun to always expect the worst in everyone, & with everything. I am a Debbie Downer! I not only drag myself down but others too. Moods are contagious. & bad attitudes are damaging!
So when you don’t hear from me or see me for a period of time know that I am down! I will avoid you, I don’t want to bring you down with me! So I must hide. Just know I will be back & it will be like nothing ever happened.
I am creative & artistic!
I confine myself from the world around me & when I do my creativity sparks. My mind is like a race track, the Daytona 500 to be exact! When that pedal touches the floor there is no stopping me. My mind jumps from one thing to the next as I race through thoughts forgetting them as quickly as I thought of them! In moments like this I try to concentrate & do things I love. It doesn’t stop my brain from driving full speed but, it does calm my nerves & helps distract me a little. I love to build, design, paint, & write! So I work through it, giving it my best effort! I don’t always finish every project, I still have some that have sat for years waiting to be done! & some I finish the same day! Only when I finish a project do I feel joyful & accomplished! I look at my creations & am proud! It took effort, time, attention, & brain power, & I did it!
I am a lover! I love with my heart, mind, soul, & body!
For someone who wasn’t shown a ton of affection or told regularly that they were loved… I sure made up for it! I have 2 sons who I hug & kiss as many times a day as they will let me! & “I Love You’s” are every other sentence. I want my boys to know that I whole heartily love them with everything in me!
I am far from perfect & I don’t have everything under control. My boys know that mommy has hard days, I can’t hide it. & they don’t always get the best of me… So I remind them every second I get how much I love them, & how they are my life! I want them to know how they will always come first! How I could never live without them! & how they stole my heart with 2 little lines!
I want them to know the love I have for them is like nothing else I have ever had & nothing else could ever compare!
So you see I am human. & even though we are all so different, we are the same! We fight, fuss, love, hug, kiss, & do things that bring us joy. We are all still human no matter the strength or struggle!
Brittin, Terri, & Shiloh 💜